My "best friend" of almost 2 years now has always been competitive, but it's never been something we've discussed. I know he is better than me but every time I'm doing the same thing he does the same. When we used to prepare for examination, he would constantly try to beat my scores. I confronted him about that, but he never seems to learn — he still copies me and competes with everything from grades to friends. If I address the problems I've had in the past, I will look stupid because usually I would be the type to bring it up, but my life was too hectic at the time. It's really "waste" time talking to him about his competitiveness.
But we know little competition between friends is common and healthy, as long as it's acknowledged, mutual, and energizing to the relationship. Friendly rivalry can create inspiration, encouragement, and support, spurring friends to do more and be more.
My friend's continued unwillingness to "do his own thing," however, even after confronting him about it, sounds frustrating, and threatening to our friendship. Perhaps friend's constant competitiveness is his way of complementing my strengths in drive and ambition. Maybe he admires me so much that he wants to mimic my every move. Or, his ability to seek out his own aspirations may be affected by low self-esteem. Or, perhaps things are going on in his life that aren't apparently obvious; the constant competition may be his outlet for coping with personal issues. Our relationship might already be built on a foundation of competitiveness. If this is the case, perhaps my friend feels compelled to be "the one" to up the ante just to keep up with me. Sometimes what we despise or find annoying in others is what we dislike in ourselves. I am experiencing or expressing a clash of similar personalities and traits.
Although it may be uncomfortable and seem unfair, perhaps it is time to revisit a heart to heart with my friend. I need to make sure I am saying exactly what I need to, and expressing all that I need. It is not a waste of time, since I still seem to be invested in your relationship. The purpose of saying what I need is not necessarily getting what you want, but maintaining self-respect, as well as a sincere commitment to be clear about our feelings to our friend. Furthermore, I can assure my friend that you are eager to listen, to help understand what makes each of you bring out the competitiveness in one another.
It sounds like my mission, or hope, is to have a conversation to understand my friend's, and perhaps my own, competitive nature. The goal of the conversation is to open the discussion for both of us to learn about the impact of each other's behavior on the other. As hard as it may seem, try coming from a caring place when expressing your concern and desire to remain friends — if that is my objective. Highlight his finer points to accentuate the positive and downplay the negative. In particular, concentrate on aspects that he may be stronger in than you. In other words, you are the "bigger" person for praising his accomplishments (even though they may feel similar to me), to enable him to make more independent choices and decisions. When expressing our thoughts, deliver them in a concerned yet appreciative manner, using "I" statements — something along the lines that I feel honored and/or flattered that he has taken such an interest in my interests, and it is time that he take notice of and focus on herself and his unique qualities. Perhaps you can help her identify him own specialness, because sometimes it's hard to see one's own qualities. Accusing will get you nowhere and usually causes the responder to be on the defensive. Instead, you can begin by affirming your friendship.
Based on your talk, you could work through the problem together and maintain and cultivate your friendship, or you may choose to cut your losses and move on. It may help to write a list of all of the good things you gain from being friends with him, and another for the not-so-good things. If one list outweighs the other, it may be time to re-evaluate my friendship. Relationships take cooperation, communication, collaboration, commitment, nurturing, and time to mature. More than that, healthy relationships encourage people to be their best selves. And, while relationships need work to work, the payoffs can be rewarding.
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